Paladin Rule 5406-B3
by valeriange
Summary: "New rule! No PDA," said Lance, and he could hear Keith rolling his eyes. "None. Nothing. Not a thing. Anyone caught canoodling in public shall be blasted into the cold depths of space."


Lance hated Keith for plenty of reasons, but there are a few that stay permanently on the top of the list. Firstly, he has a mullet, and no one should be allowed to look _that_ good with _that_ hair. Secondly, he was an alien, which makes the weird love-hate pseudo-crush thing Lance had for him back at the Garrison really, really weird. Thirdly (and most importantly), he put a ring on Shiro's finger before Lance got so much as the chance to breathe in the same room as him, which is so, so unfair.

"Look at them," Lance said, craning his head around the desk stacked with Pidge's tech to watch Shiro and Keith train down in the arena below. "They're not even in the same league."

"Wrench," Pidge replied, and Lance handed it to her.

Keith somehow managed to keep pace with Shiro, even though Lance knew (and he totally knew in his heart) that Shiro was way, way better than Keith would ever be. "He's definitely letting him win," said Lance.

"Maybe Shiro just likes getting pinned down by Keith."

Either Shiro didn't hear Lance scream, or he didn't care at the moment.

After Lance regained control of his faculties, Pidge made a gesture and Lance took the wrench back.

As he continued to watch, Shiro managed to pin Keith onto the ground, and right before Lance could begin celebrating, Keith locked his thighs around Shiro's middle and flipped them so he was straddling Shiro. Lance could see three ways Shiro could break Keith's hold, but Shiro was remaining still. Lance figured he probably had some ulterior motive, was waiting for Keith to get comfortable before flipping them and claiming victory. Obviously, Shiro was undefeatable.

But then Keith leaned down and, though Lance couldn't see it directly from where he stood on the observation deck, he knew they had to be kissing.

"Gross!" Lance said.

"Wrench," Pidge said.

Lance slammed his hand down the comm for the speakers in the room. "Flip him, Shiro!" he yelled. "Come on, it was so easy! He had it coming!"

They both jumped, Keith's forehead hit Shiro's bionic wrist, and Shiro sat up so quickly Keith fell backward off his abdomen. It would have been funny if it weren't so disgusting to see his leader making out with his nemesis right in front of him, after he _let_ him win.

"Lance," Shiro said disapprovingly.

Keith shot Lance the bird.

"Keith," Shiro said disapprovingly.

"Lance, give me the fucking wrench."

" _Pidge_!" Shiro said disapprovingly.

* * *

It was one thing to see Shiro and Keith kiss in a place like the sparring ring, where adrenaline was running high and they were in close contact. Lance could almost forgive that, even if he hated it and rolled his eyes at the thought. It was, however, something else entirely to find them making out in the kitchen.

Lance stumbled into the dining hall at some ungodly early space hour, because he couldn't sleep and he was hungry and he was so not ready to deal with Hunk's chirpy morning personality. He flipped on the lights, looked up, and screamed.

"My eyes!" he cried.

Keith's voice broke the silence. "Lance, shut up."

"We eat on those counters!" Lance snapped.

"It's not like I was sitting on them!" Keith retorted. "I leaned against it. What's wrong with you?"

"I think my retinas are burned," said Lance. "I'm never going to be able to unsee that."

"Lance." That was Shiro's voice, thank god. "What are you doing up?"

"Not wanting to see my leader with his tongue down Mullet-head's throat!"

"He was barely kissing me!"

"I don't need a scale for comparison, Keith!"

Shiro interrupted before it could carry on any further. "Keith, why don't you head back to our room? I'll grab a glass of water and meet you there."

Keith glared at Lance for a moment longer before stalking out of the room.

Shiro glanced down at Lance. "He's gone. Nobody's kissing anyone anymore."

Lance removed his hands from his eyes.

Shiro at this hour of the morning was far different than Shiro in the midst of the day. He looked paler in the dark, with only the glow of the kitchen machinery in the background to illuminate his beautiful, amazing (so amazing) figure. He had faint dark circles under his eyes. Lance found himself wondering if Shiro had even been asleep at all that night. Like, really, who could sleep when Keith was in the same bed? He probably kicked or—or bit or something in his sleep.

"Go to sleep," Shiro said.

"You should too," Lance replied.

"I will be."

"No he won't," came Keith's voice.

And then Shiro had to stay up more, doing not-fun stuff, like trying to keep Lance from screaming at Keith _again_ and waking anybody _else_ up while Pidge held a video recorder from the corner of the room.

* * *

"Can we implement rules?" Lance asked, during their daily Shiro-gives-them-his-disappointed-Dad-Face meeting. "Like, can I suggest a rule and can we put it in place?"

Allura perked up at that. Even Pidge looked away from whatever gadget she was fidgeting with to stare at him incredulously. "Of course," Allura said. "What do you have in mind?"

"New rule! No PDA," said Lance, and he could _hear_ Keith rolling his eyes. "None. Nothing. Not a thing. Anyone caught canoodling in public shall be blasted into the cold depths of space."

"What's—" Allura began.

"Public displays of affection," said Shiro, never breaking his disappointed-Dad-Face, which was now wholly directed at Lance.

Hunk frowned. "Why would we—?"

Lance shoved a finger in Keith's direction. Keith grabbed his hand and almost flipped him out of his chair. Or maybe he pushed his chest back? One way or another, Lance ended up on the floor with Keith straddling him, his hand shoving away Keith's before he could curl it into a fist. He didn't know. It was kind of a blur. He may have shouted, "Maybe you wouldn't be so cranky if you actually _slept_ at night!" and then there were attempted fists involved.

"Coran, blast them into space!" Allura yelled.

Keith froze.

Lance shoved him off. "What?"

Allura was looking at him with wide eyes. "It was your rule," she reminded him. "No public displays of affection."

"That was not affection," Lance said. "That was—that was _attempted murder_."

Allura's face was confused now. "But that's what I saw Keith and Shiro doing, and Shiro said it was affectionate wrestling that humans did."

Hunk was very sweet; he carried Lance back to his room after he fainted again.


End file.
